Years ago, when I first became interested in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and other systems for understanding human communication, I became fascinated by what are sometimes called “tells.”

These are small, often unconscious behaviors that may reveal discomfort, disagreement, impatience, uncertainty, resentment or resistance.

Someone says, “That sounds interesting,” while slowly shaking their head no.

Someone says, “I understand,” while squinting, pulling back in their chair and folding their arms.

Someone listens to an idea while rubbing their eyes, almost as though their body is saying:

“I don't see it.”

The jury is still out on some of the science surrounding all of this.

Some aspects of nonverbal communication have been studied and documented extensively. Other ideas remain harder to prove, particularly when we try to assign one specific meaning to one specific gesture.

And until science gives us better tools for measuring some of these tiny, often unconscious behaviors, we may not be able to prove exactly what every movement means.

But we don't need a laboratory to understand the basic point.

Sit across from someone at lunch.

You're talking.

They look at their watch.

How does that make you feel?

Maybe they simply want to know the time.

Maybe they have an appointment.

Maybe their watch buzzed.

But there is a pretty good chance that, for just a moment, you thought:

“They're ready to leave.”

We've all felt that.

And that's the point.

One of my favorite examples comes from politics, although I'm not interested in making a political point with it.

In fact, this one doesn't fit very neatly into the usual left-right argument.

In 2013, Democratic Senator Ron Wyden was questioning James Clapper, who was serving as Director of National Intelligence in the Obama administration.

Wyden asked whether the National Security Agency collected any type of data on millions or hundreds of millions of Americans.

Clapper answered:

“No, sir.”

When Wyden followed up, Clapper added:

“Not wittingly.”

That exchange is part of the official Senate hearing transcript. Clapper later described his answer as “clearly erroneous.”

Now here's what I want you to do.

Don't get caught up in the politics.

Don't worry about whether you like Clapper, dislike Clapper, like Wyden, dislike Wyden, support the NSA or distrust the NSA.

Just watch the human being answering the question.

Watch his face.

Watch his eyes.

Watch the hesitation.

Watch his head and hands.

Watch those few seconds between hearing the question and giving the answer.

Then ask yourself:

If you were sitting across the table from this person, what would you be picking up before he ever finished answering?

I'm deliberately not going to tell you what every movement means.

That's not the point.

The point is:

You notice it.

Something in your brain is taking in information beyond the words.

You may not consciously be thinking:

“He moved his hand this way, therefore it means X.”

You simply feel that something happened.

That's what makes nonverbal communication so interesting.

And your clients are doing exactly the same thing with you.

Imagine you're talking with a client.

She's describing something she wants to do in her business.

You say:

“That could certainly work.”

But while you're saying it, you:

Your words are saying one thing.

The rest of you may be saying something entirely different.

She may not consciously think:

“Winton disagrees with me.”

Instead, she may simply leave the conversation feeling slightly less confident.

Something felt off.

She may not even know why.

That is why these signals matter.

They frequently operate below the level of conscious thought.

Nobody goes into a client meeting thinking:

“Today I'm going to communicate impatience, boredom and disagreement without actually saying any of those things.”

But we do it.

We're tired.

We're distracted.

We're thinking.

We're looking at the clock because another meeting starts in ten minutes.

Our back hurts.

We're reading something on another monitor.

We're trying to remember the name of somebody.

And meanwhile our body is carrying on a second conversation.

There is the conversation you think you're having.

And there is the conversation your client is experiencing.

Those aren't always the same conversation.

There isn't always one absolute interpretation for every gesture.

But these are behaviors worth noticing in yourself because of the message they can easily send.

You may simply need to know the time.

Your client may hear:

“I wish this conversation were over.”

If checking the time is important, minimize it.

Keep a clock visible on your computer screen.

Or simply say:

“I'm just keeping an eye on the time because I want to make sure we cover everything.”

Now the same behavior has a completely different meaning.

You may have the client's notes on the second monitor.

They may think you're reading email.

Simply tell them:

“If you see me looking over here, I've got your notes on my second screen.”

Problem solved.

Maybe that is simply the way you sit.

But if you suddenly fold your arms immediately after a client proposes something, it can easily look like resistance.

Become conscious of it.

If this is one of your habits, try keeping your hands relaxed on the desk, using natural hand gestures, or simply changing position occasionally.

This is a big one for people who think deeply.

You may frown because you're concentrating.

Your client may see:

“He thinks this is a terrible idea.”

If you know you do this, explain it.

You can say:

“I'm thinking about what you just said. If I look serious, that's why.”

Maybe you're tired.

Maybe you're breathing deeply.

Maybe you've been talking for an hour.

But if somebody has just explained a problem and you let out a big sigh, they may hear:

“Oh God. Here we go.”

Once you become aware of the habit, it is surprisingly easy to reduce.

This is one of my favorites because the signals are so obviously contradictory.

“Yes, that makes sense.”

While the head slowly moves from side to side.

Which signal does the other person believe?

Probably both.

And that creates uncertainty.

In some systems of nonverbal interpretation, touching or rubbing around the eyes has been associated with reactions such as:

“I don't see it.”

Does it mean that every single time?

Of course not.

Maybe your eye itches.

But if you habitually rub your eyes when you're skeptical, frustrated or disagreeing with someone, it is worth knowing.

Your client may be picking up something you aren't aware you're transmitting.

Someone says something.

You move away from them.

Even without words, that movement can communicate distance.

Discomfort.

Surprise.

Rejection.

Sometimes that may be exactly what you mean.

But if it isn't, pay attention to it.

This isn't exactly a gesture, but it belongs in this conversation.

You may interrupt because you're enthusiastic and already know the answer.

The client may hear:

“What I'm saying isn't important enough for you to finish.”

You might be taking excellent notes.

Your client may think you're answering email.

Tell them what you're doing.

“I'm going to make some notes while you're talking because I don't want to lose this.”

Again, a tiny explanation completely changes the meaning.

One behavior by itself may mean very little.

That's where people can get into trouble with this material.

Someone scratches their nose and suddenly they're accused of lying.

That's not particularly useful.

Instead, pay attention to clusters and changes.

Someone has been relaxed for twenty minutes.

Then you bring up price.

They lean backward.

Their arms cross.

Their mouth tightens.

Their answers suddenly become shorter.

Something changed.

You don't need to announce:

“I have detected resistance!”

You simply become curious.

You might say:

“I get the sense you may have some concerns about that. What's going through your mind?”

That's good communication.

It is tempting to learn this material and immediately start analyzing everybody else.

I'd suggest doing the opposite.

Start with you.

You probably have three or four unconscious behaviors that you've been doing for decades.

You may touch your face when you're skeptical.

You may look away when you're thinking.

You may frown when you're concentrating.

You may check your phone when you're worried about the time.

You may lean back whenever you hear something surprising.

You may interrupt people because your brain moves faster than the conversation.

None of those habits makes you a bad communicator.

But if you don't know you're doing them, you can't manage them.

If you work with clients on Zoom, here's one of the best exercises I know.

Record a client conversation.

Then watch ten minutes of it with the sound turned off.

Don't listen to what you said.

Watch yourself.

Ask:

Do I look interested?

Do I look impatient?

Do I look skeptical?

Do I look approachable?

Am I constantly glancing somewhere else?

Do I frown every time I'm thinking?

Do I interrupt visually before the other person is finished?

Do I appear engaged when the client is discussing something important?

Then turn the sound on and watch the same section again.

You may discover an enormous difference between the message you intended to send and the message your body was sending.

The goal isn't to become stiff and artificial.

You don't want to spend a meeting thinking:

Don't touch nose. Don't cross arms. Keep eyes forward. Smile. Nod. Blink.

You'd look insane.

The objective is simply awareness.

If you know that you habitually look at your phone, put it somewhere else.

If you know you look away while thinking, explain it.

If you know you frown when concentrating, tell people.

If you know you interrupt, wait two seconds before responding.

If you know you cross your arms when you're skeptical, deliberately relax your posture.

If you know you check the clock constantly, put a discreet timer where you can see it without making a production of it.

Tiny changes.

Big difference.

One of the concepts from NLP that I continue to find enormously useful is congruence.

Your words, tone, facial expression and physical behavior should generally be telling the same story.

If you like an idea, let your reaction show it.

If you're confused, say you're confused.

If you disagree, say so.

“I see that a little differently. Let me tell you why.”

That is far better than saying:

“Sure. That makes sense.”

while everything else about you is saying:

“Not a chance.”

Particularly in consulting and coaching, the client is constantly trying to determine:

Are you with me?

Are you listening?

Do you understand?

Are you interested?

Do you believe me?

Are you judging me?

Do you think I can do this?

Do you care what happens?

You don't need to fake enthusiasm.

You don't need to learn fifty-seven body-language tricks.

You don't need to become a human lie detector.

You simply need to become a little more aware of the signals you're already sending.

Because you may be saying:

“I value you.”

“I understand.”

“I'm listening.”

“This is important.”

while your eyes, hands, posture and facial expression are quietly communicating:

"I'm not believing it!"

The client probably won't tell you.

They may not even consciously know they received the message.

They'll just feel it.

So pay attention.

Not because every gesture has been scientifically decoded.

But because communication has always been about far more than the words coming out of your mouth.